So, I managed to update my life up to the point of the workshop with Tim Miller, and promptly was so swamped with school and organizations and FUN that blogging got pushed to the back burner. I've made plenty of notes, though, so even though my actual writings on the past month or so will be written AFTER this post, they should show up in the correct order. I'm going to finish my 5-Part Serial on the changes in my life, and then go through the amazingly fun couple of weeks I've had. If you've been reading my blog and wondering why I haven't posted in a while, don't worry, I haven't abandoned it; I've just been insanely busy, and it's been in a GOOD way, so be happy for me.
Anyway, I don't really want to discuss my life right now. I just want to take a moment to muse about something I noticed a few minutes ago.
People tend to cycle in and out of my life. Other than consistencies like family, I do a really bad job of keeping in touch with the people in my life. I have one friend from elementary school that I keep any sort of touch with. We used to be best friends; we traded friend necklaces (many of them), we spent hours every day at each others' houses, we had everything in common and we were inseparable. She moved when I was in 2nd grade, and we kept in touch; even then we would meet up and it was like nothing had changed, we would spend a few minutes discussing our recent lives and get back to the business of being best friends. I'm not sure when that changed, when we woke up and realized that we weren't best friends anymore. Maybe when we hit high school; even though we were closer in geography than we'd been in years, we were such different people. I still love this girl. I will always have fond memories of slurping hot chocolate on cold rainy days in November, since it never snowed (being Houston) and rarely got cold enough to merit hot chocolate. November was always a fun month for us, November and December. Her birthday is in November, and my brother's is, and there's Thanksgiving and the excitement of Christmas coming, so we always had a lot of fun. We were in Girl Scouts together, and I remember one year us having a hay ride and her getting scared about the moving trailer, so she tucked herself into the corner and I gave her a hand to hold onto, because when you're 7 you don't worry about the implications of hand-holding. I remember being in the school's Thanksgiving show together, her a pilgrim and me an Indian (which fit our differences perfectly, because back then we were two sides of the same coin). I still have that video, actually. The more I think about it the more I remember, and I wonder if we would still be close now if only I had gone to see her more, if I had emailed her, if I had called her and just thought to ask how she was. I didn't, and I'm left with the wondering.
She added me on Facebook a few months ago. I found out more about her life than I've known for years. She's going to Texas Tech. She's an incredible artist, although that's not her major. She's taller than I am–strange, since I was always the protector, with my size and strength. I sent her a long message not too long ago, and we've traded nice, polite messages back and forth–friendly, but there's not that intimacy there once was. I think, though, with a little work, we might be able to really be friends again. Maybe even best friends. I hope so.
Sometimes I wish that life would just be stagnant. That the days wouldn't end, and I could live in one moment forever. I read "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" in high school, and lately I've started thinking that my version of heaven is a low-key party with good music and everyone I've ever cared about, with good food and good fun and plenty of Dr. Pepper. Maybe even some Twister, if we need that awkward ice-breaker of falling over someone you barely know. Except I know everyone here, and its me performing introductions.
There are far too many people that come into my life by chance, change it dramatically, and leave it as soon as I stop to catch my breath. People who have shaped who I am, usually unintentionally, and maybe even unknowingly. A chance meeting, an awkward, situational friendship; fate, working its magic. Acquaintances who struck a chord in my consciousness; friends who left for greener pastures, leaving some parting wisdom behind. Camp counselors. Teachers. People I may never see again. If I do, it won't be on purpose; I'll run into them somewhere unexpected, exchange greetings and hugs and exclamations of, "Oh my gosh how are you? It's so good to see you!", laughing embraces punctured with poor grammar and half-rude interruptions. If one of us is busy, we'll pretend to make plans and then cancel them; if we're not, we might get a coffee, or just hug awkwardly one last time and say hi later on facebook, pretending we still care enough to keep in touch. I don't know what's better, or what's worse.
All I can think about right now is how I don't want that to happen again, at least, as often as it always has. I try to keep in touch, I really do, but then I begin to doubt how much others care or whether it's worth it. I get stressed about it, and it makes me feel bad when I don't get a response.
This may sound strange, but I hope I make it big less for fame or fortune, but because I HOPE that people who have passed out of my life will come back into it. I am so very optimistic about it; I would hope that even if they primarily would have ulterior motives for their sudden well-wishing, there would be some part of them that really regrets not keeping in touch better. I would embrace that part with open, loving arms, because love begets love and I have enough of it for everyone in my life. Maybe this time, we would stay in touch.
Dear reader, if you are someone who I haven't talked to in a long while, send me a message. I do my best to keep in touch with everyone. I say hi occasionally if I see you online, and whether or not you respond, there's little more I feel all right with doing. Still, I am always all right with friendship. Maybe I'm a hippie, but I really do love everyone.
Signing out, slightly manic and hoping that the friends she makes right now are friends for life, this is Kat.
