So...today's my birthday.
I've been thinking about the first time I visited A&M and my NSC (New Student Conference), and wondering how I'm going to get through this.
Neither went really well. My first official campus visit (not visiting my brother or seeing a game) ended with me in tears and panic-stricken over how this was going to work--this was right after I got my letter from UChicago telling me I was waitlisted. I never figured I would be upset about going to A&M, with all the family history. I would be a bit disappointed, but not really and truly upset. I took a dorm tour, which was bad because the tour guide was really unfriendly, and then we went to check out the theatre department and couldn't find any information about it. Then we drove across campus to Northside. Big mistake. When I realized how freaking enormous this campus is (I have a terrible sense of direction) I thought I was going to have a heart attack. The enormity of the number--40,000 students!--really hit me. It was...bad. Worse than bad. I came back from from the trip seriously thinking about withdrawing. I didn't because I didn't know what was going to happen with the rest of my applications. Thank God I didn't, because I didn't end up getting in anywhere else, but I really considered it.
The NSC was almost worst. My roommate was fine, and nice enough. I had a fairly good first day, with my advisor setting aside some of my fears and some of the anxiety about it going away. Second day, though, ended really badly...I got a migraine after the morning of insanity, and spent about 6 hours alone in a dorm room in some serious head pain, missing all of the fun freshman stuff I had been looking forward to. This badness wasn't directly A&M related, but it gave me bad feelings...I hate the thought of being on my own right now. I HATE being sick, especially when I'm alone.
I turn 18 today. I don't feel like an adult. Am I really one? I don't know. Maybe I'm one of the lost girls, and I'll never grow up. My family has said for years that I have the physical maturity of someone 5 years older, the mental maturity of someone 10 years older, and the emotional maturity of someone 10 years younger. It makes for a bad mix, I think; I'm always too young or too old. Officially, though, I am an adult. I feel like there's some test I should have to take, some test drive. Am I ready for this? Who knows? Could I EVER be ready? This isn't exactly something that can be judged, with someone passing a verdict on whether or not this ends up well. So what do I do?
Stumble, and fall, and get back up again. Same as always. Maybe it's like baby steps. You take a few, you fall down. You get up. You do that over and over again, and it gets easier every time. Eventually, you get the hang of it, and you rarely, if ever, trip and fall.
I just hope I get the hang of it soon. I don't want to be a kid trying to be an adult. I know I'll make mistakes, everyone does. But this thing? It's too important. I screw up here, I may never get it right.
Standing up and trying not to fall down, this is Kat...all grown up and ready for takeoff.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
First Thing's First
All right, so.
The inspiration:
All the people who say "I'm doing/not doing/already did the college thing". I haven't yet. I am a recent graduate of a high school in Texas, where I spent two years feeling awkward and out of place and two years feeling like I was flying. Never would have thought it freshman year, but my senior year was the best of my life up to date. Now I'm headed off to school in less than two months, and I'm terrified.
The Situation (please, no Jersey Shore references...):
I am, as of today, officially going to a school that I...really don't want to go to.
The Story:
I was born an Aggie. My dad played on the 12th man football team at A&M, and went with them the year they won the Cotton Bowl. He even wears his Cotton Bowl Ring over his A&M ring most days, and if you know anything about Aggies you know that's a huge deal. I was less than a minute old when my dad and the husband of the doctor who delivered me inducted me into Aggie society with a rousing version of the Aggie War Hymn. I have pictures of me in my dad's Cotton Bowl bag as a baby, pictures of my family at A&M games growing up, and half of the A&M yells I knew as household phrases growing up (I actually didn't know that the horse laugh was an A&M thing until about a month and a half ago!). My brother graduated from A&M. I know this school very, very well for someone who has never spent much time on the A&M campus.
Now, you may think you know where this is going. You think that I'm upset because I'm not going to A&M this fall. You're wrong.
I'm upset because I am.
See, I got a little pretentious this year sending off applications to schools. I am officially an Ivy-League reject 3 times over, as well as being rejected from Stanford. I was waitlisted at University of Chicago and Rice, and I found out today that, officially, I am not headed to either this fall.
Which leaves A&M.
Now, don't get me wrong: I LOVE this school. A part of me will always be an Aggie. But actually go here? I don't think this is going to end up well, for two reasons.
1. I'm a theatre major. This is, after all, Texas A&M. Agriculture and Mechanics. In a school of 40,000, this is a department with 60 people. If I hate the theatre department, which I have no clue about yet since every time I've been here there's been very little information available and I can find no existing website for it, I'm screwed.
2. The sheer size of this school. 40,000 students??? The only reason I did so well my last two years of high school is that I did a program that separated 30 students almost entirely from the rest of the school. I don't know that I could have survived a high school of 500 without that program.
The Trial:
I'm starting this blog today as a record of this year; I'm going to consider it as a social experiment. I want to see if I can do this, 'this' being college. Obviously I'm terrified; I write a lot better than I speak, and for someone who's in theatre I'm almost painfully shy. If I fail, I'll figure out a solution somehow. If I succeed, then anyone can.
The Rules:
1. I will be replacing names to protect the fantastic (because if I'm wanting to use someone's name on here it's because they are amazing), and I will avoid saying even those if I can help it.
2. If you think you recognize yourself on here and you would like me to remove the content about you, just send me a private message and I'll take it off if you're right. If you're wrong, I'll inform you. Just don't kill the messenger.
3. I will be ruthlessly, ruthlessly honest. About myself and everyone around me. I'm writing this so that hopefully if anyone else is scared about heading into college, maybe what I have to say can help. Not like I'm anyone wise and special; I'm just a normal girl, trying to get by. If I can do it, I promise you, ANYONE can.
If anything else comes up, I'll deal with it then. But as of right now, this is how it stands:
I am headed to Texas A&M this fall, and I am going to try and make this work.
Wish me luck.
The inspiration:
All the people who say "I'm doing/not doing/already did the college thing". I haven't yet. I am a recent graduate of a high school in Texas, where I spent two years feeling awkward and out of place and two years feeling like I was flying. Never would have thought it freshman year, but my senior year was the best of my life up to date. Now I'm headed off to school in less than two months, and I'm terrified.
The Situation (please, no Jersey Shore references...):
I am, as of today, officially going to a school that I...really don't want to go to.
The Story:
I was born an Aggie. My dad played on the 12th man football team at A&M, and went with them the year they won the Cotton Bowl. He even wears his Cotton Bowl Ring over his A&M ring most days, and if you know anything about Aggies you know that's a huge deal. I was less than a minute old when my dad and the husband of the doctor who delivered me inducted me into Aggie society with a rousing version of the Aggie War Hymn. I have pictures of me in my dad's Cotton Bowl bag as a baby, pictures of my family at A&M games growing up, and half of the A&M yells I knew as household phrases growing up (I actually didn't know that the horse laugh was an A&M thing until about a month and a half ago!). My brother graduated from A&M. I know this school very, very well for someone who has never spent much time on the A&M campus.
Now, you may think you know where this is going. You think that I'm upset because I'm not going to A&M this fall. You're wrong.
I'm upset because I am.
See, I got a little pretentious this year sending off applications to schools. I am officially an Ivy-League reject 3 times over, as well as being rejected from Stanford. I was waitlisted at University of Chicago and Rice, and I found out today that, officially, I am not headed to either this fall.
Which leaves A&M.
Now, don't get me wrong: I LOVE this school. A part of me will always be an Aggie. But actually go here? I don't think this is going to end up well, for two reasons.
1. I'm a theatre major. This is, after all, Texas A&M. Agriculture and Mechanics. In a school of 40,000, this is a department with 60 people. If I hate the theatre department, which I have no clue about yet since every time I've been here there's been very little information available and I can find no existing website for it, I'm screwed.
2. The sheer size of this school. 40,000 students??? The only reason I did so well my last two years of high school is that I did a program that separated 30 students almost entirely from the rest of the school. I don't know that I could have survived a high school of 500 without that program.
The Trial:
I'm starting this blog today as a record of this year; I'm going to consider it as a social experiment. I want to see if I can do this, 'this' being college. Obviously I'm terrified; I write a lot better than I speak, and for someone who's in theatre I'm almost painfully shy. If I fail, I'll figure out a solution somehow. If I succeed, then anyone can.
The Rules:
1. I will be replacing names to protect the fantastic (because if I'm wanting to use someone's name on here it's because they are amazing), and I will avoid saying even those if I can help it.
2. If you think you recognize yourself on here and you would like me to remove the content about you, just send me a private message and I'll take it off if you're right. If you're wrong, I'll inform you. Just don't kill the messenger.
3. I will be ruthlessly, ruthlessly honest. About myself and everyone around me. I'm writing this so that hopefully if anyone else is scared about heading into college, maybe what I have to say can help. Not like I'm anyone wise and special; I'm just a normal girl, trying to get by. If I can do it, I promise you, ANYONE can.
If anything else comes up, I'll deal with it then. But as of right now, this is how it stands:
I am headed to Texas A&M this fall, and I am going to try and make this work.
Wish me luck.
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