Adventures in Preparations

So...today's my birthday.

I've been thinking about the first time I visited A&M and my NSC (New Student Conference), and wondering how I'm going to get through this.

Neither went really well. My first official campus visit (not visiting my brother or seeing a game) ended with me in tears and panic-stricken over how this was going to work--this was right after I got my letter from UChicago telling me I was waitlisted. I never figured I would be upset about going to A&M, with all the family history. I would be a bit disappointed, but not really and truly upset. I took a dorm tour, which was bad because the tour guide was really unfriendly, and then we went to check out the theatre department and couldn't find any information about it. Then we drove across campus to Northside. Big mistake. When I realized how freaking enormous this campus is (I have a terrible sense of direction) I thought I was going to have a heart attack. The enormity of the number--40,000 students!--really hit me. It was...bad. Worse than bad. I came back from from the trip seriously thinking about withdrawing. I didn't because I didn't know what was going to happen with the rest of my applications. Thank God I didn't, because I didn't end up getting in anywhere else, but I really considered it.

The NSC was almost worst. My roommate was fine, and nice enough. I had a fairly good first day, with my advisor setting aside some of my fears and some of the anxiety about it going away. Second day, though, ended really badly...I got a migraine after the morning of insanity, and spent about 6 hours alone in a dorm room in some serious head pain, missing all of the fun freshman stuff I had been looking forward to. This badness wasn't directly A&M related, but it gave me bad feelings...I hate the thought of being on my own right now. I HATE being sick, especially when I'm alone.

I turn 18 today. I don't feel like an adult. Am I really one? I don't know. Maybe I'm one of the lost girls, and I'll never grow up. My family has said for years that I have the physical maturity of someone 5 years older, the mental maturity of someone 10 years older, and the emotional maturity of someone 10 years younger. It makes for a bad mix, I think; I'm always too young or too old. Officially, though, I am an adult. I feel like there's some test I should have to take, some test drive. Am I ready for this? Who knows? Could I EVER be ready? This isn't exactly something that can be judged, with someone passing a verdict on whether or not this ends up well. So what do I do?

Stumble, and fall, and get back up again. Same as always. Maybe it's like baby steps. You take a few, you fall down. You get up. You do that over and over again, and it gets easier every time. Eventually, you get the hang of it, and you rarely, if ever, trip and fall.

I just hope I get the hang of it soon. I don't want to be a kid trying to be an adult. I know I'll make mistakes, everyone does. But this thing? It's too important. I screw up here, I may never get it right.

Standing up and trying not to fall down, this is Kat...all grown up and ready for takeoff.