Little Miracles

Ok, so just maybe 10 minutes ago I posted this blog. And yet now I'm back on it.

Ruthlessly honest. That was the goal. Let's see if I can do this. Breathe, and write.

I have not been homesick since I left for fish camp. I have missed my parents, yeah, but the way you miss a friend you haven't seen in a while. I haven't had that crushing, aching feeling I'd heard about from my friends. Tonight, I understood it for the first time. Maybe it was the bad night. Maybe it was talking to friends from high school, and realizing how much I missed them. Maybe its the lack of solid food in my stomach. I don't know, but something came rushing down on me and hit me with the force of an avalanche. I shut down my computer, and just started crying.

It's so much easier to talk about good times, isn't it? Just yesterday I felt fine. Tonight, though, at nearly one o'clock in the morning, everything feels so wrong, and I don't want to write it down. Honesty, though. Let's go.

I miss high school so much right now. I miss my best friends. I miss my teachers. I miss my cats. My parents, oh my God, I miss my parents. I miss my mom's laugh, and my dad's hugs, and even my brothers' teasing.

I miss forgetting school is over and leaving my ID on until someone teases me about it, because I've gone straight from school to theatre without a break. I miss working for hours in the auditorium on some random task, whether its fiddling with light levels or trying to build something for the next show, or setting up, or hell, even sweeping. I miss tech class, with everyone hanging out in the booth talking and waiting for class to start. I miss arguing politics and religion with my favorite teachers, who at this point I think of more as friends or mentors than teachers, because I feel so close to them. God help me, I miss being at the top of the food chain! I miss my little sisters and seeing how they look up to me, and knowing I have a job to do, satisfied that I know how to do it, knowing that I have a responsibility and others are depending on me to do it right. I miss 2 A.M. talks with the people in my class, trying to finish up some report or essay or whatever the hell is due that night. I miss so many little things, these little things that I marked my days by.

This may sound crazy, but I miss being apathetic about the guys in my life, outside of friendship. I feel like I should care now, so I do care, and it stresses me out. Every one of my girl friends keeps asking me, "have you met a guy yet? have you met a guy yet? Have you met a guy yet?" NO! I HAVEN'T! And that's not a freaking travesty. It was so much simpler when I had the excuse of every guy around me being gay, taken, or shorter than me.

I miss my family. More than anything else, I miss my family. I miss driving around after I get out with my mom, blaring 80s pop that my dad hates and we both love. I miss my dad teaching me to dance and swinging me around like I'm a rag doll, because no one else I know can do that. I miss late night talks, curling up in my dad's recliner to watch movies with my mom, because we only had that one piece of furniture in our living room. I miss my oldest brother's sarcasm, my middle brother's goofiness. I miss just being with my dad. I miss so many things.

Half an hour ago, all this hit me like a ton of bricks. For whatever reason, I felt so unbelievably sad and lonely. I posted as much on facebook, hoping one of my close friends would see it and send me message. I turned off my computer, laid down, started to cry, realized what was really bothering me and turned the computer back on. On a whim I logged back into facebook first. I had a message waiting. I figured it would be from someone from high school, someone I love so very dearly and have known for years.

Nope. It's a message from a girl I barely know, someone I met at fish camp. She sends her love, and her support.

Little miracles. They happen every day; sometimes its completely random. Sometimes, it's just a good hearted person acting on a whim. Either way, they can radically change your perspective.

Earlier, I talked about how nervous I was, how upset I was. So, I'm going to try and rewrite my day, and focus on the good.

So, I slept in today, feeling refreshed from the extra sleep. I made it to my first class in plenty of time to find a good seat. My first class was fantastic. Headed to my second class, and during it, made some points that my teacher actually seemed to approve of. After class, a random girl walked up to me and told me she loved my headscarf, and left. I went to the MSC Bookstore to pick up some books for my class, and managed to pick up the very last copies of 3 of them. Went to my poli sci class, which was supremely entertaining, both because of the teacher and because of the person sitting next to me's running commentary. Headed back to the MSC and bought an Odwalla, which I absolutely love and almost never get. Went home and watched a movie and read plays until a friend texted me about auditions, at which point I headed back out. I did get lost, and that did suck. But luckily one of my co-chairs was passing by and pointed us in the right direction. I found out I still have some need to audition, but that's all right, because I have until Wednesday to prepare. I can do this, and I will do it.

I am homesick, a little less now, but I am. That's all right. That's normal. But I am here, I am at Texas A&M University, and I am sure as hell not going home. I am LUCKY to be here. And no matter how much I may miss the way things used to be, I can make it just as good here. I just need to make this home.

Another thing. In the interim this took to write, another kind person sent me another message, another person I barely know. Two Aggies trumped all my high school friends. I love this place.

It can be home. It will be.

Signing off, this is Kat...grateful for the little miracles of life.