Loser. (Or, this last week.)

All righty then, now that we have my attitude for the day *cough* week *cough* accurately embedded in today's post, let's get this biznatch over with.

My last post was on Saturday morning. My parents had just come into town, and they took me to get a little food, dropped off cookies (yum!) and a few other things, i.e., clothing and other necessities.

So later that day my brother came into town for the game. He invited me, being the kind, loving brother he is, to go and tailgate with him and his friends. My brother is 23 years old. Obviously, this did not go well.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. I even love most of his friends. But it's not a good thing to be the awkward little sister around a bunch of guys drinking and talking about their high school and college days. You can't contribute anything to the conversation, all you can do is stand there and feel idiotic. Which is what I did for about an hour, until I went back to my dorm and studied until the game was close to starting.

So I leave my brother and his friends to their partying. I go to the appointed meeting place at the appointed time. And wait there for 20 minutes. I was really tempted to just go home. People kept coming up and asking me if I'm part of security or asking me for directions. Apparently I looked like an official or something. Sigh.

My brother and his friends finally get there, a little worse for wear (I don't think they'd deny this) and two random people I have never met before walk up to me and hug me. Drunkenly spitting in my face as they talk. Lovely.

We get to the field and, I won't lie, we have amazing seats--right at the south end of Kyle Field, underneath the scoreboard, right next to the field. I got some great pictures, at least, but it was really strange not to be standing for the game, or to be participating in any of the yells. I had fun with my brother at least--it was really good to see him--but it would have been a lot better if the game had gone better. I don't know if you heard, but we played FIU--Florida International--and we barely won. It was a really close thing. So my poor brother wasn't having much fun, and honestly, I don't think many people in the stadium were. We do have the most freaking loyal fans ever though, we just got louder and more enthusiastic as the game continued (I use "we" loosely-I wasn't with the students, remember). We ended up actually sitting on the grass watching the scoreboard so we could see what was going on. Surrounded by drunk seniors. Remind me not to ever let myself or my friends drunkenly scream the worst possible cuss words in front of little kids. That was ridiculous. My brother and his friend left early to miss the traffic--I stayed and took pictures as the team was coming off the field. Somehow managed a picture of this guy that went to my high school, graduated the same class as me--it's so freaking weird to see him, he's one of those guys I talked to maybe once in high school when we were in class freshman year together, but who I've known of all through high school because, well, with his insane height and weight, there's not a lot of people who make me feel small, and he's one of them. Doubly weird is the fact that my dad worked the street department with his dad and uncle one summer during high school. I know for a fact that I know more about them then they do about me--I doubt they even know who I am--which is just awkward, because it makes me feel like a stalker when it's just that my dad knows their parents, so he takes an interest in what their up to. I think they still talk occasionally, too. Point being, I never really know what to feel about watching him play. There's actually a lot of people here like that, people I knew in high school but was never really friends with, or that I knew of but didn't actually know, or even that I downright disliked. I always wonder what I'll say if I run into one of them--hi, you don't know me, but I'm that awkward kid who looked like Satan's protege freshman and sophomore year, turned into a hippie over summer vacation, did the nerd program at school, and still randomly dresses like Satan's protege (or a pirate, but that's another story). I know you. You're so and so. Well, that was properly awkward, let's say goodbye now.

Ugh. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

I had a hard time this week. First, random facts, then I'll go into details on why this week sucked.

First off, I've been fighting something all week. I don't know if it's the flu or I ate something I shouldn't have or even if it's just homesickness and depression, but I've felt rotten all week.

Second, I'm out of food. Ran out Tuesday. Back to eating once a day. Sigh.

Third, for some reason, maybe because of stress and worry over my tests this week, I have had horrible insomnia. Then, when I finally did fall asleep, I had nightmares. Every night this week. Which ranged from Hermione Granger-ish terrors of failing all my classes and being put either on academic probation or being kicked out of A&M, to being eaten by various wildlife, to those lovely falling nightmares. If I was falling down the rabbit hole, I'd be ok, but nooooo, I have to be falling down a giant bottomless PIT ringed by flames and creepy looking wasps. FML.

All this as a starting point, and maybe you'll get how much this week sucked. Start with Sunday. Sunday that kid I was hoping to be friends with the first week of classes and I got into an argument-he kept wanting me to skip studying and go party with him, he kept telling me that there was a frat party on this night, or a bar open this night, and Sunday he told me I was lame and a downer and a loser, so I told him to **** off. My temper can be a problem sometimes. He royally pissed me off though.

So I spent Sunday studying, when I could concentrate. I went into my dorm's study lounge, where it was nice and quiet and I had plenty of room to spread out. I'm in there an hour, two hours, when these girls come in and set up an xbox, turn the volume up all the way, and start playing some anime battle game where both of them were squealing and shouting the entire time. I gave up after a half hour or so and went to bed.

I had a test first thing on Monday, in Psych. That turned out all right--I ended up with an 86, which I thought was pretty good for my first college test ever. Then went to Shakespeare, which for some reason was irritatingly boring for the first time. Then to Poli Sci, where...oh, wait, can't go into that one. I'm not trying to be annoying--suffice to say, people confuse/irritate me.

Tuesday, let's see, Tuesday...went to acting, which was ok, and went to Script Analysis, which was pointless because she let us go as soon as we had turned in our homework. Went home and slept. Woke up to my seminar people calling me asking where I was--I slept through my alarm and ended up running to meet them.

We met Sonia Nazario on Tuesday. Definitely the highlight of the week. The big problem for me was that, well, this class is a lot more conservative than I am. People kept asking her questions like, "Do you think that immigrant children in the school systems is bringing down the quality of education?" and basically trying to turn complicated issues into "blame the Mexicans" statements. I felt really uncomfortable. Immigration is a big issue where I'm from, and not in a good way--the last time I got into an immigration debate, my best friend and I ended up screaming at each other for an hour and a half. I might've mentioned that before, actually. Point is, I have a harder time talking politics here than I ever have in my life; I actually WANT to have friends these four years, I keep shying away from the subject, which is really unusual for me (as anyone from back home would attest). And this group is of the opinion, almost unanimously, that they thought it was a great book but that it really didn't change their opinions on immigrant rights. So I just kept really quiet. Later I actually got to say something to Mrs. Nazario--she talked with us a little bit individually, and she signed my book (!). I told her that I was part of the political minority, and she was really kind about it. She didn't really get into it, but she told me that it happens everywhere (I'm not sure that that's really comforting, but I think she meant it to be). Later I read what she'd written in my book after we'd talked.

"To Kat: I hope that this gives you COURAGE."

What is it with me and fear this year???

I keep getting little random reminders everywhere. I don't know what to do with this.

I tried a different approach Wednesday. I walked into my Poli Sci class, and the girl sitting next to me asked what a public good was...she mentioned health care "if the new law gets passed", and instead of arguing at length I just said, "No, health care's not in that...they're looking for a public option, not for the British/Canadian universal health care system." Her response? "Oh, ok." We actually ended up talking politics for a little while, and even though she seemed to think Colbert was actually that crazy Republican, she didn't freak out at my opinions. I just tried not to use "you" and "I", and it worked all right, I think.

Test was in Poli Sci on Wednesday. I think I did well on it.

About sums up those days.

Thursday, I.E. today, was all right. I kind of like my partner for our open scenes. I don't know her really at all, but she seems nice.

Script Analysis was...entertaining, as is usual. That class cheers me up.

In fact, probably the highlight of my day was eating lunch with this guy from class. We've gone to the underground a couple of times now, and I like him! Friend, possibly? God to I need one.

My biggest problem this week has been feeling lonely and depressed. I don't make friends really easily--it took me getting to my senior year of high school before I had any number of friends to do stuff with, or before I was actually going to parties and things. Before then, I just kind of...skated by. Maybe that's why I love theatre so much; there's always something to do, and your cast kind of becomes your family.

That's not going to help anytime soon, though. Honestly, that's part of why I was so disappointed with what happened with my tech application--I don't have a way to make friends easily. I'm reduced to, like, actually trying.

Thus far, my efforts have been, well, pretty fruitless. There's people I like, for sure. I haven't really done anything outside of class or fish camp activities with anyone though. This week I've got a bit of an excuse-I have been studying all week.

I think my biggest problem is, well, I'm kind of a loser. Outcast. Weirdo. Call it what you will, there's times when I think Austin would have been a better place for me-don't yell, I said Austin, not t.u.! Two totally different things. Austin's a city on its own. There's nothing wrong with liking it.

And honestly, there ARE times when I wonder about it, this week especially. I really love A&M. I love the people here. But I always feel out of place. I'm a liberal (extremely liberal for Texas) hippie who likes punk, grunge, and classic rock. I don't drink, I don't party, I don't do drugs. My favorite movies include Edward Scissorhands, American Beauty, and Donnie Darko; Tim Burton is my filmmaker idol, and I don't freak out watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I sing show tunes in the hallways. Hell, I'm a theatre major! There's 70 out of nearly 50,000 students! And here I am at Texas A&M. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking.

But honestly, even my theatre friends think I'm weird. And, honestly, I kind of like that. I like being different. I don't think I try to be--I learned my lesson with that one!--but I fully recognize and appreciate my own strangeness. I hate that I always feel out of place, though. So I've got a conundrum: ignore my own person and fit in, or just occasionally feel depressed at being so different.

I think we all know which one I pick. Still, it's hard sometimes.

It's really hard now because I miss my best friends so much. I love my friends. There's not a lot of them that I really consider to be an enduring, true friendship, but those that I do I would do anything for. I think there's less than 10 of these individuals. They come from all walks of life, and I love them dearly. And I miss them! Not a one is anywhere near here. It makes it hard. I talk to them on the phone, or on skype, or on IM, but it's just not the same as a solid human presence.

I need some friends here, ASAP. Sigh.

Not meaning there's not people I like and love here in college station. It's just...different. There's no one here I would go to with real problems. I think there's people who would be willing to listen if I did ask them too, don't get me wrong--it's just that I would feel weird about asking!

I'm thinking about getting involved in Aggie Democrats. I get frustrated with people from my own party sometimes--there's insanity on both sides--but I think I need to find some people that I have some easy and obvious connection to. Now that I'm starting to get used to college life, it might be a good thing for me. Next meeting's not until October though. Sigh. Gremlins...

Anyway. I definitely need some inspiration tonight. So here's my song for the week--hope you enjoy. It's a classic. :)